Trolling a Spammer

Like anybody on the web these days, I get spam, however I get a lot and once in a while gmail doesn’t catch them and filter them out. Most times I just hit the spam button and don’t look back – but this time I had a few drinks in me and I decided to reply – because why not. He hasn’t written back yet.. heh.

Vuurr.com Team,
I would like to take a few minutes from your schedule and ask for your attention towards Organic search engine traffic for Vuurr.com.
As a business Owner you might be interested to gain profit by placing your website among top in search engines. Your website needs immediate improvement for some major issues with your website.

1. Low online presence for many competitive keyword phrases.
2. Not doing well in most of the Social Media Websites.
3. Your site is not user friendly on mobile devices.

Looking at the above issues and other additional improvements for your website, I would like you to give us a chance to fix those issues. Our team of Search Engine and Social Media experts are here to serve you with best inputs. If you are interested in learning more about current status of your website, we would be glad to share WEBSITE AUDIT REPORT of Vuurr.com for FREE.

You will feel the difference once you get services from our company as we never let our clients expectations go down. Being at the top left of Google (#1- #3 organic positions) is the best thing you can do for your company’s website traffic and online reputation. You will be happy to know that, my team is willing to guarantee you 1st page Google ranking for most of your targeted local keyword phrases in our six month ongoing campaign.

If my proposal sound’s interesting for your business goal, feel free to email us, or can provide me with your phone number and the best time to call you. I am also available for an online meeting to present you this website audit report.

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Best Regards,
Sunny Kelly
Marketing Consultant

PS I: I am not spamming. I have studied your website and believe I can help with your business promotion. If you still want us to not contact you, you can ignore this email or ask to remove and I will not contact again.

PS II: I found your site using Google search and after having a look over your website I recommend you to implement future technologies such as HTML5 and Responsive Design to make your site more accessible in mobile phone, tablets, desktop etc.

I had a handful of beers in me at the time and needed a mental break from my actual work; and this is what happened.

Hey Sunny. I’ve been waiting for you to contact us. Having an expert like you around is just the thing we needed! You’re a savior from Christ himself!

Tell me – this Google and Twitters thing… how can we get more traffic from it? I mean all the conference speakers are talking about how good it is to be #1 in Google and I don’t know how to make myself number one. Of course I am in my mom’s eyes, and she is pretty special, but you seem like the right person to make this happen. I heard if I’m #1 I’ll get a lot more traffic to our site? I can’t wait.
Right now I’m spending about $20-$30 a month on fiverr links and we’re crushing it as far as I can tell! LIKE… CRUSHING IT… I get this backlinks list and man… they send like a thousand links to my site every time. I keep searching for our company name and we’re always number 1 so that’s good! Can you do the same thing? or even better? more links?

You said you found me through Google search but before you said we had a “low online presence for competitive keyword phrases”… so how did you find us? oh … you’re good.. I see what you did… you probably found us via those long-tail ones huh? HAH… I knew you knew what you were doing… damn.. you’re ahead of the game aren’t you.

Also you say I should implement HTML5… I’m pretty sure my buddy’s cousin’s brother Vinny… he’s the guy that made our site… he said that his friend said that HTML4 was more stable… so we went with that package… it came with a year subscription to the popcorn of the month club. pretty cool! So if 5 is better than 4 can you explain why? I don’t know what this responsive thing is. Sounds expensive! We’ll need to talk about that before you implement that… but I’m sure you know the best options.

And I’d like more info on the “social media experts” you have. I’ve been looking for some of those but I think I got duped the first go.. This guy jim… he’s a friend of my buddy’s brother.. said that twitter and the facebook and friendster were the best sites to be on.. i think he mentioned snapchat too. Anyways… can your expert help us with the social media rankings too? I want that but not sure we can afford it.

Thanks Sunny! You’re awesome. God Bless You!
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Chuck